mirrorred me____

Monday, August 07, 2006

7 august. monday
AHHH.
bored of out my skin.
i'm into those "i'm so lonely" mood again.
crap.
missed the rain today.
freak la.
rain so early for what.
now i cant play in the rain and feel it in my face.
can it rain again please??
i really need a rain bath.
it always make me feel SO MUCH better.
rain therapy.
HAHA.

-------------------------------------------------
what is happening to me again?
the last time it happened to me i went crazy.
literally did crazy and dumb stuffs.
felt like the whole world is a stranger.
too busy and preoccupied to SEE and HEAR me.
i can't help having these feelings now again.
i think i know the cause of it.
but its hard to ignore these feelings.
i really NEED the rain.
sigh.
the human mind/heart is destructive.
VERY destructive.
so what can i do now?
i'm feeling lonely.
abby has school until 5pm.
kerli has after school test, only free at 5 plus.
wanli cannot contact. =( i called her but no one answered.
who else can i call?
they are the only ones who KNEW.

what can i do? tell me?
help me please.
i'm falling apart
i have been through this i supposed.
i AM desperate.
for what?
care, concern and love.
sigh.
everyone always says
"i'll be there for you"
when i want them to,
who really is?
FUCK THOSE FEELINGS.
go away.

WHERE IS THE DUMB RAIN?
i need it IN my face.
i dont even understand why i must feel this way.
why? why? WHY?
if i dont even know the answer, will you?
will anyone know the answer?
help me.
please.
i dont need a councillor now alright.
i need a FRIEND.
close friend.
who i can pour my heart out to.
even though i wont know what to say.
because i dont even know why i'm feeling these again.
you can probably stop reading my blog now because i'll be repeating the same things.
but right now typing all these all makes me feel abit better.
though i still need my rain therapy.
ohh.
i just recovered from flu
hmm.
nevermind.
i rather be unwell physically than unwell mentally.
since rain therapy helps with my heart and mind.
i'll rather get flu/fever again.
the feeling of being loved.
i never had that.
of course i know my friends DO love me.
but i dont mean that.
okay what the hell am i saying now?
sigh.

// were you really here for me when i needed you? were you?
the first person that comes to my mind when i need someone is not you anymore.
cause you were hardly here.
too busy with someother people or things.
there's ALWAYS something else.
my name is just a TITLE.
but seeing that everyone else now has a title.
mine dont feel as important anymore.
somehow.

people wondered.
why i hang out with those "ah lians" at 492.
firstly "ah lians" is a disclaimer.
they are not.
infact some of them can be much much more matured than any of you.
dont believe me?
tell me and i'll intro them to you.
why i hang out with them?
one simple reason.
they can always be there for me.
they understand how i feel.
though i'm the oldest.
yet they've been through much more than me.
so much so that it made them grow up faster.
on the surface, they seemed rowdy and noisy.
when we are alone,
that's when the real us come out.
it goes for me too.
that's why i love those girls so much.
because we are SIMILAR.
how we feel, how we think.
so alike.
they are great listeners.
and they dont council.
they advise.
its two different things.
and the thing is,
when i'm with them,
sometimes i am more matured.
yet at the same time,
i can have fun with no restrictions.
abby always says she wanna be like me.
when she can do things without people saying stuffs.
so?
just do it.
but she dont.
but those girls make me feel welcome enough to.
make a fool out of myself.
be really stupid.
yet i wont feel outcasted.

sometimes,
its only when you are down,
will you really know who are your true friends.

// i read your blog everyday.
but do you read mine everyday?
its just a title.
a title.
and i believe some other people shares the same title as me.
or they have titles even better than mine.
do you know you are my only one?
no one else share the same title as you.
guess you dont.

i have enough of this bullshit in my head.
this voice.
my inner voice.
telling me how pathetic i am.
its true.
i AM pathetic.
bye.

me_________`e-leen *
1:49 PM

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